The Arbinger InstituteLeadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

I started reading this book a couple of days ago as a recommendation from a training class I took. It is certainly not what I expected. I have never read a book like this, and it's hard to believe I've never heard of the ideas in this book. It is the most important book I've ever read in my life. Ever since having kids, my marriage has slowly been declining. My wife and I both come from families that do not get divorced, and believe in our vows. This book has transformed our relationship in a few days, and for the first time in a long time I'm excited for the future. I want to share this with everyone I know. The idea and concepts in this book don't need to be tested or studied, even though they are. The ideas are self evident. This book made me realize how selfish I've been my entire life, and while I am embarrassed by that fact, I'm not depressed by it. I'm hopeful and excited to practice being "out of the box," and am so thankful I read it. I could not recommend anything more than this book. Get it. You won't be sorry.

As I read the first 10 or so chapters, I found the book annoying. Just one more leadership book telling me that I was doing it wrong. Then I recognized myself in a chapter and thought, "Whoa, I do that!" It turns out that EVERYONE is self-deceived. Fortunately, the book explains how to get out of your self-deception. Nonetheless, everyone does it again and again. It's part of human nature. But the book helps the leader to detect it early and get out of it before a lot of damage is done. Really life-changing.

This book is made for not only leaders but parents, family members, and everyone who really is seeking a way to self improve.

A helpful book that is easily digestible while demanding real change. Looking forward to reading the others in the series.

This book was very relatable. You can apply the principles to every relationship.

Leadership and Self Deception was originally published in 2000 and has become an international bestseller with over 750,000 copies sold & translated into 22 languages. The book tells a story about a senior business executive who is struggling at the office and at home. (He doesn't know he's struggling professionally to optimize results - but he quickly learns this is the case.)* This is a simple story, with a logical message. Yet, the story nicely explains that we all often fail to see that we have a problem. We do engage in self-deception. We do "unwittingly sabotage relationships at work and at home." And our actions do provoke a response that encourages the opposite of our intention.* Part I explains "Self-Deception and the Box." Part II explains "How We Get In the Box." Part III explains "How We Get Out of the Box." Being "In the box" is seeing others as objects. "Out of the Box" is seeing yourself and others as people. (They make this come alive in the book.)* As I was reading the book, particularly Part I and Part II, I was impressed at how they framed the narrative and discussion to make me realize how I've been deceiving myself. Several "AHA" moments here. Rather than give too much of the story line away - they use a simple example of a Business Executive sleeping and then hearing his infant crying - he knows that he should get up to help his spouse - he doesn't - he then justifies not getting up by mentally elevating his importance (he needs to get up early in the morning; he's the main bread winner; he's a good dad; he's the victim) while he mentally frames up his spouse who isn't getting up as being lazy, unappreciative, inconsiderate, etc. He elevates his own importance over his wife; he rationalizes why he is justified in not getting up to help the baby; he gets angry and this ultimately leads to a response which is opposite to what he was looking for. Even though no words are spoken.* The "answer" will not be found in a new leadership strategy. It will not be found in developing a new communication skill or changing your behavior. It will not be found in trying to change someone to your way of thinking. The answer is changing "your way of being."* I'm not a fan of parables because I have often found this format either too contrived or generally not relevant to me. Yet, I believe this story, the message and the anecdotes are universally applicable and true and will resonate with many readers.* The < 200 page book is a quick and easy read. It should take you less than 3 hours.* While the book is framed in a business context, it will benefit all readers: leaders, non-leaders, professionals and individuals in for-profits and non-for-profits.* Any cons? I have two "nits." (1) You reach the end of the book to learn that Part II (Accountability Transformation System) and Part III (Monitoring System) are not discussed or included in the book and you would need to enroll in Arbinger's seminars to learn this. This was a bit deceptive and unnecessary in my opinion as the core message in the book remains powerful. They should have stripped these references from the story and included it in the appendix. (2) Later editions of the book were revised to include a section on "How to Use Leadership and Self-Deception" including hiring, team building, conflict resolution, accountability and personal growth and development. This section added very little utility - but again, it does not detract from the value of the book.* So many self-help books leave no lasting value or impression - you get a quick high (if you are lucky) and the message evaporates. Not this one. This one will stick. Highly recommended.

Well written, moves along like a story, not like a lesson, even though you are being taught.

This is an eye opener. Lot to take in but one of the best books I read so far. Thank you very much

Excellent Read.

Ótimo livro!! Recomendo!!

Lo estoy leyendo y me parece muy buen contenido. Super aplicable para aprender de liderazgo y management. Gracias por la sugerencia

This book unveils effectively the most important problem in relationships of any kind and design a pattern to help you figure out how to get rid of it as much as possible