When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives Paperback – June 3, 2004

This book helped me understand and accept that my kids could swallow my life up whole UNINTENTIONALLY and really get in the way of me doing the things that I really want to do in my life.I have always believed that it is in my kids best interest for me to raise them exactly the same way I was (at least in certain areas). So, I paid for their college education, gave them each a Visa, bought them cars, offered to pay for graduate schools, trips, insurance, etc.What I inadvertently created, thinking I was acting in their best interest as those things were helpful to me at their age, were two kids - one with an alcohol problem and the other who's really dependent on others to do everything for him.Don't get me wrong, they are great kids overall - these are just two aspects that have been challenging to handle.In any event, when I discovered my son had an alcohol problem - I changed my tune in a hurry. Part of the reason he has this illness is that he has a lot of pain in his life that he's not dealing with. However, my contribution to it has been to give him too much money so he has the funds to binge drink as well as make his life so easy for him that it was enabling him rather than empowering him.He is in denial and doesn't realize the issue. This book helped me be okay with that, realize I've done all I could by offering him treatment, etc - and that I have a life that I deserve enjoying. And that's a good thing!With the other one, I learned that most likely I may watch him "shoot himself in the foot" over and over again. I do my best to offer him my guidance ahead of time when he wants it but usually he's a lot smarter than me he says.So, again, I've learned that he'll do it his way and that's okay.Again, I'm free to live my life knowing I'll help both of them to the extent they want me to that works with MY life.There are so many parents with varied experiences on this theme. The first part of the book talks about experiences similar to mine.The second half, though, is where I really realized that I'm okay and in fact doing good by them AND by me.My only criticism is the word "disappoint" in the title. I didn't relate to that word personally as I didn't feel disappointed - confused, challenged, angry yes. Not disappointed because that implies expectations and I really didn't have any.Very validating, helpful and empowering for me as a parent and as a person who deserves to enjoy their life.

Wow - did I find this helpful! Just can't recommend it highly enough and a very quick read as the book is short. Actual case studies, too.

I am a teacher and don't have any children of my own (and don't want any) but helped raise my stepdaughter from 12 years of age to 18 years of age. My wife and I are now raising our granddaughter who is 4 years old. My stepdaughter is not bonded with her own daughter and treats her more like a sister. We take total care of our granddaughter and have done so all of her short life while my stepdaughter was out partying. She never saw or even bothered to call about her daughter all last summer because she was living with her boyfriend and friends. After becoming pregnant again , she has moved back in to our home with her infant son. (hopefully moving out soon). My wife and I are approaching 50 years old and would really like our life back. I am a high school teacher in an alternative school where we have many troubled youth but you just never expect it in your own home, especially since you know you have raised your children right. She is one of the most self centered adult children I have ever known, the way she thinks and acts, especially with 2 kids just blows my mind. Hopefully one day she will just "get it" and become a responsible adult but for now she uses as many people as she can by stealing and lying (two of the qualities in ANYONE that I hate the most!). This book really breaks things down although as a teacher there was a lot of stuff I already knew but was still worth reading as a refresher. We all want our children to grow up and become successful, responsible adults but that doesn't always happen and there comes a point where we have to stop blaming ourselves. The author has really done a great job with this book and its worth the read if you want a piece of mind when going through difficult times with your children or stepchildren.

I have been dealing with a child who has continually made poor choices for their life. Not trivial matters such as picking the wrong college or being late on a car payment, but rather they have discovered the world of drugs and unlawful activities. They show no sign of leaving this lifestyle, unless it's through death. My heart is breaking.This book validated my feelings and actions. I am doing everything I can as a parent to help my child help theirself. I'm not enabling them, but rather providing unconditional love (it's really hard) and emotional support. All I can do is pray and pick up the pieces when she decides to change her life."When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us" provided me insight to myself and helped me help myself through this tough time. I can't wait to read the other books by this author.