The Gifts of Imperfection: 10th Anniversary Edition: Features a new foreword and brand-new tools Paperback – March 1, 2022

I started this book not really knowing much about it. She said she was a shame researcher. Talking about her life. Another rich housewife with a dream to write and be a life coach, I thought at first, then slowly the book started unfolding. I started applying the lessons and insights to my own life. To be more authentic, live more from the heart. If we do that we live with meaning. I would read it again

I bought three if her books at once! Read them and promptly ordered the same three books for my daughter & my niece! All three of us loved the books & they're so "real" & easy to understand!

-I originally bought this book in May of 2011. I can't remember exactly why it spoke to me, but I know I was looking for self esteem boosting books. I think maybe the title resonated because I realized I was having some trouble with perfectionism. Accepting mistakes, compassion for myself, forgiving myself, but also pushing forward to being a better person, a better worker, friend, girlfriend, etc. It resonates today because I see how much of a perfectionist I can be, and how much trouble I am having forgiving myself for past mistakes, and trying not to label myself because of them. I am having trouble sufficiently feeling the guilt enough to change, letting that feeling in, but then forgiving myself, and not letting those behaviors define who I am as a person.How did the book address this?-I think these quotes from the book really get to the heart of the message: "Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.... Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think?... Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right." Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 56-57). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.-What I got from this is that perfectionism tricks us into thinking we have it all: we can feel connected and invulnerable and in control. BUT, it is ultimately unsatisfying because it #1) it is a lie. We aren't in control or invulnerable, or perfect. And #2) it requires us to change who we are -- and the connection we most desire is a connection based on being truly known by another person. So in order to feel connected AND known, we have to accept the reality that we are imperfect, and we are vulnerable, and we are not in control.-And while connection is obviously a huge source of joy, Brene also talks about the other kinds of joy that perfectionism halts in its tracks: meaningful work, enjoyable hobbies, creative endeavors, etc. Again, because perfectionism tries to give us a sense of control, and thereby tries to prevent the possibility of loss, we often don't even try to have joyful things, or we deny the level of joy something is giving us in order to feel less hurt when it leaves.-And the book has a lot of great suggestions as to ways get past the feelings of inadequacy perfectionism is rooted in, and also ways to lean into the vulnerability of imperfection. Another great topic the book covered (and that it alerted me to) was the importance of shame as a barrier to self acceptance and love and joy. (But as you will see below, I really recommend its sister book for more on this piece). And I love Brene's emphasis on authenticity as a goal. It is fascinating and inspiring.Where I still don't feel resolution:-One of the things she mentions to get when you are feeling shame is getting connected, sharing your story. But I have a few concerns about that:-She doesn't explain in detail WHO has earned the right to hear your story and HOW to cultivate those friendships. If you are reading the book is stands to reason that you may very well not have those friendships. If you are cultivating your authenticity and dealing with feelings of inadequacy, you may have surrounded yourself with inauthentic and judgmental people because of your need for approval from these types.-Even if you are at some stage where you have a few compassionate and caring friends (which I do feel lucky enough to have), it requires them to always be open to your shame at the moment you need them without regard to the "stuff" they bring to the day. If you are feeling shame about X today, and so are they, your attempt at connection may trigger their shame even deeper and they will "imperfectly" push you away. I wanted her to talk more about those situations. It is great when you can have an empathetic ear to listen, and it feels amazing, but even with the world's best friends, you cannot always expect that will be available to you whenever you need it.-And then even if you catch your friends on a day where they are feeling great, or can be present to your needs and your shame, what if you are a "gusher," and you are at the beginning stages of dealing with your inadequacy issues, and you feel shame "a lot"? You can become an emotional drain to them, and push them away. I wanted some more information about self-soothing in shame situations, or how to manage connecting with friends in those moments.I am still not sure how I am going to be able integrate this intellectual understanding into a daily practice. When I do something "wrong", especially something I have done wrong a hundred times before, will I be able to lean into the guilt, instead of the shame? Will I be able to lean into the vulnerability? Will I be able to be present to the vulnerability around me?I know a big part of this is simply practice. And finding strategies that resonate. But the first step for me is an intellectual understanding, and this is certainly worth reading if that is something that is important to you.Supplementary Materials:-I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power: Brene's other book. Really great book about shame - I didn't know how important shame was until I read this, but trust me, it is very important and taught me a TON.-Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life:talks about the "gusher", but you can get the quick version in this article in the huffington post website called: Judith Orloff MD: Are You an Emotional Gusher? (Amazon won't let me post the link, but searching should easily pull it up)

I love the content of this book, and I want to read it and re-read it again to stay on the right path. Some of the most helpful points for me were:1. In order to feel joy, you have to lean into uncomfortable feelings and not numb pain (through food, TV, substances, sex/love, obsessions, etc), because you can't selectively numb emotions, so if you numb pain, you numb joy as well2. That joy will often be accompanied by fear because we fear we will lose the things that make us joyful, so you can expect anxiety to come up when you are about to feel joy or in the midst of feeling joy. You have to be able to tolerate the discomfort, because If you can't tolerate discomfort, then you will lose your capacity to experience joy. But there is no way to feel joy without feeling vulnerability because this life has no guarantees. She suggests, very helpfully, that one focuses on gratitude in order to overcome it. I've practiced this and it helps a lot- she suggests saying "I feel vulnerable right now, and that's okay, I feel so grateful for..." Gratitude is the key to joy.4. That we think we can avoid pain by avoiding feeling the joys in life, but actually you need to feel the joy fully in order to be able to handle the difficult things that will come up. If you never feel joy (because you are numbing yourself), then when difficult things happen you don't have the inner resources to handle them and you end up having to numb yourself more, then because you are numbing yourself, you don't feel joy, so it's a cycle.5. That everyone is so busy trying present themselves in certain ways and live up to expectations in order to be accepted, but you can never feel true love and belonging if you don't present your real self (be authentic).6. In order to be authentic you must have a lot of courage in order to risk being vulnerable, because you could present your true self and be rejected, but if you don't try you will never experience true belonging.7. The root of feeling love and belonging is feeling worthy, now, just as you are, of love and belonging, because you have to believe that your true self is worthy in order to have the courage to be authentic.8. Feeling worthy now is also the answer to handling shame. Shame is the fear of being unlovable, so believing that you are worthy is the opposite of shame and the antidote to shame. You have to face shame and practice using shame resilience (which she teaches in the book, which feeling worthy is at the root of) in order to overcome perfectionism.I don't really love her writing style. You can really tell that she loves to put things in boxes, her background is as a researcher, and she loves definitions (and the majority of the definitions are really good and some of them are fantastic). But it means that her writing style doesn't seem to work the best for this subject matter. It feels like if she had a more of a clear, simple, inspirational tone, it could have had a little more flow and felt a little stronger, writing-wise. It's just a little hard to read sometimes, it feels a little clunky. But there are so many amazing parts that blow your mind and change your life, so it's totally worth reading.She made some really amazing points about so many subjects, but there were several subjects she really just brushes through and says basically that she discovered that "these were important characteristics of whole-hearted people as well, and here are some other books to look at on the subject" but I didn't really think she herself made that many great points on these subjects. And maybe for other people she did say things that hit home, but the subjects I felt she could have worked more on were:1. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith (This is a really huge thing for me, and now, from the book, I know that it is important to have faith to be whole-hearted, but I didn't get any closer to figuring out HOW to have faith from what she said)2. Cultivating Calm and Stillness (There is so much fantastic information out there on this subject, I would highly recommend the book "Mindsight" on this subject.)3. Cultivating Creativity, Play and Rest, Laughter, Song and Dance (these are fairly straight-forward topics, probably most people can figure out how to incorporate more of these things into their lives, but these chapters didn't feel like they offered a lot of useful points on the subjects, aside from just pointing you in the right directions towards doing these things- which in and of itself is very important!4. I wish she had said more about HOW to cultivate authenticity. The chapter on authenticity was chock-full of great points, but I would have loved more on how5. She discusses using boundaries and holding people accountable to be compassionate, instead of the usual shaming and blaming we do. I could have used A LOT more instruction and advice on HOW to use boundaries and hold people accountable in a compassionate way.This book is life-changing, it is necessary reading for everyone in my opinion. The first chapter was actually the hardest to get through for me- writing-style wise. I actually thought it wasn't a good book and I put it down and considered it a bad investment after reading the first chapter- I felt it was full of fluff, and obvious stuff, and that it didn't have any useful information. But then thankfully, a month or two later, I picked it up again, and once you get to chapter two, everything starts getting a lot better. Then it kind of goes downhill again at Guidepost 5 and beyond. But between chapter two and guidepost 5, it is pure gold.